Out of the darkness


Ever feel like the world is out to get you? Or just a few people? Ever feel like there are those who want to see you fall? Be it jealousy, something about your character or personality that threatens them or because you actually did wrong them in some way. Either way the feeling is the same. “Like me, love me, understand me, forgive me, how dare you, fuck you, I hate you.” All of these feelings are extremely narcissistic and I have thought them all. Lately I’ve been realizing a couple of things. One, most people are probably not sitting around wishing others harm. Most likely they are focusing on their own lives, problems and happiness. Two, if I feel this, so do others. Although it is extremely self centered to feel others are against us, there is some truth in these thoughts. I don’t think it is actually us they are against, or them we are against. We all have instincts to love and hate, show compassion and be filled with anger, but I believe that love is the strongest of desires and needs. We are most fulfilled when we are loved and are showing love from a genuine place. We all desire to feel safe in this life. Anger can feel amazing at times, especially when justified, but following it down its path rarely leads to a lasting feeling of peace or resolve, if ever. Usually it leads to regret and more pain.

The things that hurt us about others probably have very little to do with them and much more to do with our own wounded places. The first time we felt rejection or malice something happened to us on a deeper level. Those memories are stored in our bodies on a cellular level and because of the learning and adaptive neural pathways in our brains we are conditioned by experience to respond to fearful moments in a way that protects us. Ever wonder why adults have many more fears than children? I was fearless as a child. I would pick up spiders, jump in deep dark water and embrace every person who walked into my life with complete love and trust. Now I think spiders are scarier than large animals that could actually kill me, would probably have a panic attack if I jumped in the ocean and now when I meet people, I am usually untrusting and skeptical of their intentions. Fear can be healthy, but I am talking about irrational fear, paralyzing fear, the kind that robs us of something greater. I have learned that the world can be a scary place and that people can hurt me. We all have learned this. We all want love and acceptance and we all have the potential to cause pain in others. This life gives and it takes. Nature gives immense beauty and destruction simultaneously. This is the world we live in. But what is our place in it as humans? How do we reconcile this reality. We have been given incredible minds and bodies. Our bodies naturally heal and fight against sickness and disease and whatever bullshit we feed them. Our bodies are remarkably adaptive. Our minds are capable of so much more! But we have to be active participants in this as we choose our purpose and our focus while we are here. Left to our own emotions and devices we have the potential to be destructive to ourselves and others. We also have another option. It starts with understanding our power to create or destroy, to self preserve at the cost of others or to heal our own hearts and start to see ourselves in others. Self preservation can be a lonely life if it is our only focus, where self healing is imperative to live life fully and unencumbered. And then to focus on the people around us, to understand their pain because we know our own, to have compassion for their insecurities because we know this feeling all too well, to be able to give them a pass because don’t we all just need a break from time to time?.

We are not the enemies of one another and we can’t begin to embody freedom and love in the world until we decide that we are not victims. I had to come to terms with this and will most likely have to remind myself of it again. I am not a victim. I also had to come to terms with my own darkness and evil. I have to coexist with this part of myself forever, but as they say, whatever you feed will grow, and I don’t want this part of myself to take over. We have much more power than we know. It’s time we tap into our own power and rise up. First, love ourselves and heal the wounds of our childhood with telling the truth to our own hearts. We did not deserve the pain that came our way. It was just misdirected pain of someone who was hurting. It was never ours to carry and we must start laying down those things. We have to stop carrying other people’s pain as if it were our own. Whatever brings healing, find it. For me, it’s the beauty nature offers and talking to the people who make me feel loved and who’s conversations make me feel inspired. I find that when I am full of life and love and beauty, I naturally am inclined towards wanting to share what I gained from those things with others. We all want love, connection and to be in awe of life’s surprises and possibilities. I encourage you to tap into your super power, lay down the idea that you are a victim, because you are anything but! We all have something to offer that the others need. Connect with your creator nature that can bring life and beauty into whatever canvas you find yourself in. Listen to your hearts desires, tend to your needs first and when you come to that place of strength, begin to see others as you and you as them. Understand that their malice or insecurities are because they have been wronged and the only thing that can bring true healing to someone’s heart is love. In a time where everybody is so quick to turn on their neighbor, maybe we can stop this disgusting cycle of destruction. Yes set boundaries, yes share when we feel hurt or angry, but we can do this without internalizing and personalizing the offense. We can be honest with compassion and understanding. We are not against one another. We are against the contagious disease that that seeks to destroy us all, the infectious pain in all of us that turns one negative word into a pack of wolves, starving and snarling with no place to find relief. Love is the antidote. Love is the relief. It can light up a dark room with a tiny flame, it can whisper hope to someone who is a prisoner of their mind, it can remind your enemy that they don’t have to carry their heavy sword of protection on account of you. We can be the antidote. We don’t have to be a slave to our emotions and for god sakes we don’t have to be predictable. We are capable of so much more. I believe in the good in all of us. And every day I will have to challenge the opposing thoughts in order to not become a victim, but an instrument of love in a world starving for something hopeful.  Dig out the hard ground of your heart until you reach water and from that well give give give.