fear and faith vs. fluidity

Fear and faith go hand in hand and I know them all too well.  They are both founded in the hope of a future outcome or the avoidance of another.  Whether it be life after death, finding and keeping “the one” or any other hopes and dreams we might desire.  To admit that we don’t actually know what will happen and that as much as we try to control the outcome that sometimes life throws unanticipated curveballs can be a bit unnerving and even terrifying.  This is something I’ve experienced from the age of 18 when the doctors told me I could not have children.  This was the only thing I was certain I wanted for my life for as long as I can remember.  This and the true love of just one man for all of my life.  I searched for love and gave my heart fully to it and in spite of my efforts lost.  The woman going through her second divorce is just a woman who truly believed that against all odds she could contain love.  I have lost relationships with family members and to this day still feel that loss greatly.  Loss is a part of life.  

On the other hand, in times of fear and loss of faith I have found love unimaginable, without even trying.  Sometimes grand things and people were dropped in my life like the best kind of gifts.  And that’s the thing about life.  It’s scary to let go of certainty, to admit you don’t absolutely have all the answers and that sometimes regardless of your best efforts, someone will walk away from you, someone will die, or you will find out you are barren.   
One thing I’m certain of is that faith and fear have proven to rob me of the present.  And isn’t the present all we really have?  I am finding a home in fluidity and the moment at hand.  As I learn to live in fluidity with outside circumstance I am becoming grounded inside myself.  I have all kinds of control over my persepective, my attitude, what I say, how I act, how I work, how I effect those around me, what station I listen to, if I decide to run, to put my feet in the water and to open the windows and breathe in the fresh air.  I accept that it could all be over or drastically different in an instant, but this moment is mine.  This mind and body are mine.  This heart is mine.  It’s is 100% all mine and I can do with it whatever I choose.  And I choose to give of my heart freely, reject thoughts  of the future, look around and take in the beauty and be grateful for the blood flowing through the valves of my heart, the love I have and the peace that has come to me in letting go of what might be.  As I’m learning to continually reject fear and faith I have found how much control and power I actually have.  As confidence in myself is growing I’m much more capable of navigating the things outside of my control with grace and strength, still keeping my heart somehow soft, present, open and vulnerable.  I’m grateful for this bed, this room, this apartment, this phone I write on, this inspiration and this growing mind that is constantly being challenged.  I’m grateful for the healing that is taking place in my heart, the uncomfortable maturing process, the strength that comes with challenges and the fact that I am me. I’m grateful for finding love for myself and for the fact that I know loving others better follows self love.  The more I am here, present in my body and soaking up the love in my heart for all of life’s gifts the less room I have for distant hopes and fears.  
I’ll end this with a quote from one of my favorite movies about how it all works out and usually not how we expect.  Although I don’t have faith and although I don’t live according to fear I do believe in love and I do believe in the beauty all around us. I believe that there is something spectacular here for all of us.  We just have to open our eyes, minds and hearts, trust our inner voice and find fluidity in all things outside of ourselves.
Alabama Whitman ~True Romance
“I had to come all the way from the highway and byways of Tallahassee, Florida to MotorCity, Detroit to find my true love. If you gave me a million years to ponder, I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. And til this day, the events that followed all still seems like a distant dream. But the dream was real and was to change our lives forever. I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he’d say, “that’s the way it goes, but don’t forget, it goes the other way too.” That’s the way romance is… Usually, that’s the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too.”