There’s something to be found here

IMG_0151IMG_5315 IMG_5919

I woke up abruptly at 3:00 a.m. to the sound of a violent storm passing thru my cities. It feels like waking up to a gift. All of last nights sadness is washed away by the unpredictable flashes of light and loud booms. And of course the rain beating down on everything, washing it clean and somehow uniting the heavens and the earth as one. In this place, I always feel safe like I’m wrapped in the blanket of the storm. There’s only a few things in life that make me feel this good. Fireworks is one. The explosive flashes of light and loud booms for no other purpose but to rain down colors and beauty. Then there is the ocean… so terrifying and unimaginably massive, mixed with unknown darkness and ferocity and calmness. It’s asks no permission to be what it is. Sometimes still and clear blue with a gentle tide rhythmically swaying, and at other times thunderous crashes on jagged black rocks. Either way, whether deceivingly still or blatantly dangerous, it makes me feel like my life is so small and insignificant that I can just… be. Moab did this to me as well, sitting on Mesa arch out stretching itself over a canyon, I was completely enveloped in fear of the grandness, feeling as though a breeze could shove me to my death, as I looked around, terrified and in wonder… I was free, tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m not usually quite as happy as I am in these moments. The comfort of being surrounded by something that jolts me, wakes me up and has the potential to take my breath away, for a moment or forever, is indescribable. Being right on the edge of death and beauty and fear is where I feel alive. There is still something to be found there for me. My heart longs for the depth of the ocean, the canyons of Moab and explosions in the sky.

There’s something to be found here as well, in this stillness. In this sadness I don’t understand, or the numbness that lies around in wait. These feelings that have followed me like a shadow, that feel more apart of me than not have kept me in a constant battle in my mind. My whole life I’ve had to look at these dark moments where I feel alone and ask myself “what is to be found here?”. There’s something I must learn. There’s something I must gain. It’s like I’m called and forced deeper into existence. It’s like I can’t believe what it all looks like on the surface. I would like to be the kind of person who doesn’t live this way, but it is not my choice. It is as instinctive as an animals need to kill or mate or fly somewhere else when the seasons change. I often wonder if everyone feels this way and doesn’t talk about it, or if I am actually as alone as I feel. None the less it is how I am and who I am. I will stay here and walk through and try to find what I am looking for. I’m exhausted, but I am incapable of living any other way. I will let this undoing happen, because every time I come out of times like these, I am free from something that weighed me down. So I’ll trudge. I’ll fall. I’ll walk. I’ll crawl. I’ll lay in silence. Often in sunlight too bright, air too suffocating and life too horribly the same, but I’ll keep going. And I’ll try not to dream too often of when it’s all over. When a breeze takes me down or I get lost forever in the blackness of the deep. As I lie here stripped bare, I’m in need but not knowing of what, I will just wait and surrender and close my eyes and let it wash over me. Although there can’t always be fireworks, I can let myself be rocked two and fro by the beating of life’s ocean and let it have it’s way, crashing me on it’s rocky shore. All I have to do at this point in time is let it be and pay attention. And that seems like something I can do.