A New Chapter

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I am a writer who hardly writes.  It is time to jump in with all my flaws and hone this passion.  I have chosen this blog as my outlet.  I’d like to start with the theme of my current existence, turning the page on a decade.  I turn thirty in nine days.  For the past nine years or so I have been searching to find discipline and direction.  Some just call it your twenties.  I have had a mentality for years that when this happens, then I will.  I’ve spent too many years waiting for “this” to happen and therefore haven’t done most of the things I have visualized myself doing.  I have walked through my twenties with a constant weight of regret, self doubt, and disappointment.  I feel like the real me, the once believing child who hoped and dreamed for a fully embraced life, who sees her potential more than anyone,  has been caught in a trap called someday and has yet to fully live in the present.

This all came to a head a few months after my twenty-ninth birthday.  One morning I woke up with a looming fear that before I knew it I would be old, if I were so lucky, and I would feel sadness for not living as a real person, but just a waste of human mind, body, and spirit floating through her own existence, missing the incredible fullness that life has to offer.  Lack of discipline, distraction, and addiction has kept me somewhat stunted.  That looming fear followed me for months until I became proactive.  I took some time to evaluate my life and priorities.  I realized change needed to take place and I needed to be freed up to embrace my life.  It started with quitting my job, a major source of negativity for me, and opening my mind to thinking differently. It has been a slow going process.  I assumed leaving the job I loathed would free me to live the life I wanted, but I found that desire is not enough, and that dreams aren’t attainable with out a realistic plan of action.  Finally I’ve decided it’s up to me to create the life that I dream of and there is no better time than the present.  I want to be someone that I would look up to.  I want to live an exciting and full life.  I have dreams of my work, creativity, and personal life meshing together in one existence without a moment wasted or one more regret for lost time.  Starting now I will build the path that I will follow.  I will be my own guide.  This is not a journey of perfection, but of living fully and committing to each moment with integrity and all of my attention.  I have found that I set goals high and usually the pay off is far off.  The result has been I fail miserably, beat myself up, and don’t try again for months.  Having such little faith in myself, I only fail again… faster than the last time.  Today, all of a sudden, I realized the power of one day.  There is a dry erase board on my wall showing daily goals for the week, and today I have felt more accomplished than I can remember feeling.  One thing to check off my list is to write more, specifically write TODAY, so here I am.  Small and attainable goals!  This blog is one product of my new life, where I will share my thoughts on a wide range of topics, lessons learned, things I find funny, stories, and more.  I must write!

I’m walking into my thirties writing, living healthy, pushing myself, learning discipline, and truly relaxing when the time is right.  But first I must pay respect to my twenties.  It was a time of horrible yet rewarding choices, more regrets than I’d like to admit, countless hangovers, thousands of cigarettes, no rules, new experiences, falling in love and so much learning.  It taught me what I want, what I’d like to set aside, and that the dark things I love may remain in moderation as long as balance is kept and I’m not pulled down.  My twenties taught me to love deeper as well as set boundaries.  It is time to put all that I have gained thus far into action and live in a better wiser way.  Our days are numbered and I don’t want to ever look back and wonder if my life could have been better.  I refuse to let that happen, and it begins today!

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